Seventy-seven days…
Tonight as I was reading my Facebook wall, my attention was stolen by a photo of an adorable baby. The infant was probably no more than two months old. I instantly began to feel my heart melt and thought for the briefest of moments, “I want that!” Now that I’m going to be turning 40 in only seventy-seven days, I will tell you I am FINALLY at the place in my life where I can say, “NO WAY, HOSEA,” and truly mean it. That brief thought was actually a momentary lapse of sanity.
Whenever I have a thought like that, and I haven’t in a long time, it always transports me back to the past. In a split second, I can conjure up those maternal emotions. I remember desperately wishing I could say, “I want that” and actually be able to have it. I would marvel at those who would make that carefree decision, throw caution to the wind while throwing the birth control out the window for the night, and lo and behold, nine months later lay eyes on a healthy baby.
For years I struggled to keep my head above water. It was difficult to work so diligently to make sense of a situation that was impossible to mathematically add up. There was no rationalizing it. There were no answers to be had. I gave birth to a beautiful baby, and then my life took an unexpected turn. I either could not become pregnant, or if I was able to conceive I would lose the baby. Some days it was hard to look at myself in the mirror. My body didn’t work the way it was designed to work, and I hated it! I don’t feel there are words I could ever write to describe the daily struggle my life had become over a fifteen-year period.
If you are standing in front of the mirror hating yourself like I was, I want to tell you this, “You are not alone; this is not your fault.” I blamed myself for everything until one day my husband looked at me and said, “Did you choose this?” My answer was, of course, “No!” He went on to say, “Then this isn’t your fault; stop blaming yourself!” Those words sort of snapped me into reality. I say, “sort of,” because it wasn’t instantaneous, but it was the beginning of healing in that area. I’m not sure how it will work out for you or what the end of your journey will bring, but I do know this, “You are loved by God. You were made with purpose.” Something I say in my book is that we often look for the light at the end of the tunnel, but there is a Light IN the tunnel. The Light is Jesus. There are times we cannot see Him work, but faith is blind.
2 Corinthians 5:7
For we walk by faith, not by sight. (N.K.J.V.)
It’s NOT your fault; I’m praying for you…
