I’m in North Carolina this week. My husband has a business trip here and suggested we tag along. And “we” are the subject of this post.
I know I’m not making a lot of sense yet. I promise I will. Just give me a minute to pull it all together. For those of you reading who don’t know me, which seem to be many these days, (And by the way, thank you.) I’ve been keeping something from you. Actually, I’ve been keeping two things from you.
During our eight hour drive down here, Paul and I had several hours to talk. It’s a rarity for us. Life is busy and we always seem to be interrupted. Anyway, Paul said something to me regarding the blog that really made me think, pray, and think some more. He said, “Jen, I understand your reasoning, and I know you don’t mean to be, but by not mentioning two very important parts of our lives, you are sort of being deceptive.” Hmmmmm… Am I really?
If you’ve been reading for any length of time or have read the about me page on the blog, you know that I struggled with miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility for 15 years. You also know that I had one son previous to my obstetrical problems. I haven’t been shy about telling you that I have a book coming out entitled, “Nothing to Hold but Hope.” It is the story of my journey through grief. The book is in its final stages of editing and art work. And though my original plan was to save my ending until the book was ready for sales with speaking engagements secure, after my husband let those words out in the open air, I began to press in and pray. After praying, I feel strongly that my blog really isn’t about my ending as much as it is about my 15 year battle.
We all face struggles in this life. Not one of us will escape them. How we deal with these struggles is what knits our stories together and forms our character’s design. I am revealing my ending to you today, but only because it is the details of my war against grief that colors my story.
For the sake of enlightenment, let’s say I just showed you a sketch of a castle. The sketch is just black and white. There is no color yet and no detail work to show off its beauty. You would probably think it was just okay. You would be able to tell from looking at the picture that it was a castle, but it would be just a rough draft and nothing more. However, if I showed you a picture of a castle with magnificent eye-catching colors, and brilliant detail work crafted by the artist, you would probably be drawn to its beauty and in awe of the one who painted it. Metaphorically, today I’m showing you my sketch. When the book comes out, and I share all my details, you will see how the color tells the story. And how God the creator deserves more praise than I could ever find adjectives to describe. Don’t misinterpret what I’m trying to say, my picture is lovely. But what God weaved together along the way is the miracle that makes the entire picture worth viewing. It’s a color combination only God could create.
It was a tragic 15 years, yet I’m so glad I lived it. But that is another story for a different day.
I’m about to show you my end…
These three are amazing. All three are miracles, but the two little ones are the definition of the word miracle. Let me tell you something, “when man says, ‘No’ God can say, ‘Yes.’”
But He said, “The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.” (N.K.J.V.)
Man told me no, over and over and over again. My body told me no, over and over and over again. For many years, even God said no, but then it was the right time, His time, and He said yes.
I can’t wait to share with you my crazy days of motherhood. I’m excited to describe to you what it’s like to raise children almost 16 years apart and what God is teaching me through it. My son is age 20 and my twins are age 4.
Most of all, I cannot wait to encourage you in the hope that is Jesus Christ and His existence. His strong and powerful presence in my life has changed who I am from the inside out. Not because I received my miracles, but because of who I am in Christ after all of the loss I lived through. God is good and His mercy endures forever.