We returned from our cross country road trip. What an adventure it was! These moments with our children are precious. Chaotic vacations, though sometimes exhausting, gifts us beautiful opportunities to make new memories that will live forever.
While I was away I had the chance to spend some time talking with a group of people about some very difficult topics. Hurts and fears were exchanged in the midst of an outpouring of hearts. We all have wounds and sometimes the insensitivity of others can reopen them. Long after we think the scars have healed, they can begin to seep with a cry of pain from deep within.
In James chapter 3 we receive an education regarding the tongue. James tells us in verse 2 that if anyone does not stumble in word then he is a perfect man. We all stumble over words. We all say things we shouldn’t. Oftentimes, it comes down to the fact that we don’t use our filters. We don’t think about what we say before we say it and because of that, we don’t recognize the consequences of our words.
Words last.
Words hurt.
Words haunt.
I suffered with secondary infertility. During that time period, for those who were not aware of my story, the picture of my family unit seemed to look odd. No one could understand why two young parents, who were deeply in love, would have just one child. The fact there were only three of us seemed, to the outsiders, incomplete.
I can’t tell you how many people would ask, “Just one?” I felt the need to explain myself. It was as if I should have felt shame for having only one, healthy, and to us, more than perfect, child.
I did feel shame. Deep, deep, all consuming shame.
To answer yes to the question “Just one?” brought about more hurt. Rage accompanied the pain. This is why my heart breaks for those who must answer questions such as, “When are you going to start a family?” or “Don’t you want to have children?”
Unfortunately, to the world, two members will not constitute a family. When children are missing from the picture it doesn’t look right to those viewing from a distance. If only those viewers could imagine how it feels to live inside the picture while feeling the absence of those who should be in it, but are not.
I have a friend who told me they think 95% of words that hurt us are from our own interpretation of the way in which they are stated. Only about 5% of people actually intend to hurt with their words. I’m not certain of the numbers, but I tend to agree.
It’s a filter thing. People don’t stop to think there could be a painful back story.
I had a woman recently tell me that she left a gathering on Mother’s Day with tears streaming down her face. This woman was told she wouldn’t understand a particular situation because she was not a mother. The person who said this never stopped to think that the precious woman they were talking to didn’t have a choice.
Hard Truth: Not every woman who wants to be a mother will be one. But it doesn’t mean she hasn’t mentored and loved others. It doesn’t mean she hasn’t mothered someone from a spiritual perspective. It doesn’t mean she won’t understand. And, even if she can’t understand, she desperately wants to. So why then are there some who won’t let her try? Why are we quick to disregard feelings and cast aside our filters?
A few days after processing the conversation I had regarding the pain of the situation on Mother’s Day, I read this by A Royal Daughter. (Take time to read it. It’s important.) She also wrote a follow up. You can read that here.
It is not just suffering the pain from infertility or pregnancy loss that is difficult. What makes the process even more exhausting and heart wrenching is actually learning to live with it. Wherever you go the pain travels with you, and wherever you travel there will be people to ask you questions without filters.
Trying to live through pain amongst imperfect people with tongues of fire is what makes grief almost impossible to reemerge from… but with God all things are possible.
But God…
The picture at the top of this blog post is a rainbow I saw while driving home from California. God sent the rainbow as a sign He would never destroy the earth again, but for me it represents even more.
This was the most perfect rainbow I had ever seen. It surfaced from the dark stormy clouds and remained vibrant with color from one side to the other. (The picture doesn’t do it justice.) I was reminded of this: We don’t have to wait for the storm clouds to leave in order to see all the beauty a rainbow holds. In faith, we have to trust and choose to see the brilliant colors right now. We must look for the good inside the bad.
Grace…
We need to learn to use our filters when we speak to each other. It’s a simple form of grace.
We need to use our filters when we are interpreting the innocent questions or remarks from others. It’s a simple form of grace.
We must translate grace one to another. The translation of grace between two people requires the humble art of praying for Christ to fill us with hearts overflowing with empathy.
When we wrestle with hurt from ugly words grace becomes a distant thought. It usually isn’t the first behavior to rise up. We all need to work on translation of grace.
Filters…
If we use our filters, not one woman should have to leave a gathering on Mother’s Day with tears streaming down her beautiful face. God knows Mother’s Day is hard enough for her as it is.
If we use our filters, grace can take over and help to repair our deepest scars. Even when others seem insensitive and ignorant of our backgrounds, grace will win. However, we have to allow it to win. It’s not an easy concept.
Today, my example obviously relates to infertility and pregnancy loss. However, you can relate it to any situation where people and an exchange of words are involved.
The way we talk to each other and the words we choose whether they are face-to-face, over the phone, in emails, texts, or social media, can make a difference in a life.
We must remember our grace, our kindness, our filters…
Proverbs 22:11
He who loves purity of heart and has grace on his lips, the king will be his friend. (N.K.J.V.)
Have you been hurt by insensitive words? Have you given consideration to how you interpreted those words? Are you quick to translate grace regardless of what end of the conversation you find yourself?
