One beautiful part of blogging is that I have a journal on my computer. With a brand new year beginning, I wanted to take a look back at last January 2nd and read what was on my mind. At the time, I was only blogging less than four months and completely freaking out over saying goodbye to my 30s.
I was taking baby steps down a new path – stumbling over my own two feet as I apprehensively walked on uncomfortable territory. I think we can agree that just about everybody and their brother has a blog. Failure seemed more than possible, and I didn’t want to fail at age 40. I didn’t want to wake up to Google informing me that my page views were too low and my bounce rate too high. I was afraid of the unknown.
Here is what I learned from last January 2nd to today: the only way I would have failed is if I had allowed fear to keep me in the same place. Never hitting publish would be failure. Never standing up to speak in public would be failure. This whole life we live is about obedience to God and the plan He called us to. And, by the way, I’m being obedient to 2 huge projects in 2014: The Mercy Retreat, and Go Give. If you’ve not heard about either one of those events, I would like to encourage you to read all about them and consider joining me!
I’ve also learned 40 is not old. It’s just not super young… and that is okay by me. I found my first gray hair last week. I handled it very calmly as I dialed the salon to move up my appointment for color. See, I can do this! Breathe in; breathe out!
If you want to read my thoughts from last January 2nd, here they are…
I’m down to the wire. I only have 19 more days until my birthday. When I began this blog on September 19, 2012, I knew age 40 was looming. Now it’s more than just looming in the distance; it’s hovering right over my head. I actually feel okay about it. I stand with great anticipation for whatever the Lord has in store for me. I can even confess the words, “I’m almost 40,” out loud without feeling dizzy and short of breath. This, my friends, is true progress!
The Lord knows that every single day in the last 102 days of writing posts for this blog that I’ve worked through my emotions. It has resembled therapy for me. Of course, it has also been the source which has caused me to uncover all my idiosyncrasies (Some of them… I’m sure there are lots more. We won’t go there now.) It was risky. For any of you who truly know me, you know that sharing my somewhat obsessive “well, maybe overly obsessive since I’m being honest” behaviors is about as close to walking on the wild side as I can possibly go.
I am not outgoing. I turn bright red in embarrassing or even slightly awkward situations, and I’m incredibly responsible (except for when it comes to doing laundry). You might sum that description up in the word, “boring.” I define the description as being me. Moreover, though there are lots of changes I would like to pursue regarding the definition of “me,” my feeling on the subject is… so far, so good. I’m holding my own in this mad world, and I’m doing okay. Well, I should probably clarify… the Lord is holding His own, (that’s me) and He is really the only reason I am okay.
None of us can escape difficulty in life; no one sails through unscathed. This is why we must trust in the Lord. I know I only have 19 days until I become age 40. I don’t want to spend them like I’m racing to the finish line of this big number and feel as if my best is behind me. I want to approach it as if I’m at the starting line waiting for the gun to go off and the race to begin. I have new adventures waiting, and because of life experience, I’m wiser than I was when celebrating other ages which ended in zero. The year 2013 is not only delivering me promises of what is to come, but it is also wiping away the fog from my eyes and forcing clarity.
I’ve often thought that self examination is important. Without self examination, we cannot discover what we need to fix about our sinful selves. However, my thinking on this subject has evolved. It’s not about self examination; it’s about God’s examination. Studying His word and His story leads us to come to a place where we allow God to fix us. We can’t fix us; we can’t fix anything. If we want to see clearly, we need to focus on Christ.
Every single day I’m becoming more comfortable with my upcoming age. C’mon 40… bring it!