Ocean and rock blog picThere are days we are forced to make decisions that change the course of our futures. Big decisions. Decisions we don’t want to make, yet have no choice. I’m going to be honest and say that I’m tired today. I’m tired of making big choices that shape precious souls entrusted to me. I want to turn the clock back, crawl into my grandmother’s lap and rest as she holds me.

Before she passed away seven years ago, after a rough day, even when her 87 year old body was weak, I would cuddle up, throw my legs over hers, and bury my head into her chest while breathing in home. I want to go home today. I can’t.

I want to ask her what to do. I want to listen to the sound of her voice as she reassures me. I want her to tell me I’m doing okay. Her voice was always honest even when the words stung. Her tone was always was filled with love. Fierce love. She wasn’t ever afraid to say what she needed to say to me. She knew her words were molding and shaping me.

God used her.

And I bet she felt the same way I do today. She probably agonized as she spoke words of wisdom over me. She probably weighed each word and calculated every thought. She probably wanted to return to her safe place again as well.

This job of molding, making, wishing, hoping, and praying over other lives is hard.

I flip through the thin, worn, pages of my Bible looking for answers. Today, the only word popping off the page is trust.

Some trust in chariots, and some in horses; but we will remember the name of the Lord our God.

-Psalm 20:7

So, I’ll journey onward. I will continue to trust in the One who gifted me with these beautiful little children and who filled me with more love than I ever thought I was capable of possessing.

I can no longer ask my grandmother what to do. I can never again return to the sweet embrace of safety I found in who she was. But I can always call on the Savior who gave her to me. I can always trust in the eternal love of Who He is and look to the words He inspired to give me hope.

If you feel like I do today: tired, confused, and hoping against hope you are doing the right thing… then I implore you to turn your eyes toward heaven. Look up. Our help comes from the Maker of heaven and earth. Let us find comfort there.

I will lift up my eyes to the hills—from whence comes my help? My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth. He will not allow your foot to be moved; He who keeps you will not slumber.

-Psalm 121: 1-3







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