Dear Friend,
I’m excited to share a guest post from my friend Christin Ditchfield! She’s not only a successful, best-selling author, she’s a beautiful woman of God who openly shares her heart with women all around the world. She has a word of encouragement for us today, and I pray it speaks to your soul the way it spoke to mine.
I’m hoping to bless someone by giving away a book bundle with some of Christin’s best titles! All you have to do is leave a comment on this post between today and Friday, November 20th. I will be announcing the winner On Saturday, November 21st. I promise that when you get to know Christin, you WILL be blessed!
Enjoy!
Love,
Jennifer
“Hope deferred makes the heart sick…”
In my twenties, I used to quote this verse to God a lot. I guess I was not-so-subtly hinting:
“This is YOUR fault. This desperate ache… this gut-wrenching pain. It’s no wonder I feel this way. Your Word even says so — so I have a good excuse for wallowing in my misery and self-pity. If You don’t want me to, if You care about me at all, You’ll do something. Soon. Quickly.”
I could have been referring to many different things. We all have to grow up and face the harsh realities of life eventually – and while our stories may not be the same, we can be sure they all include many kinds of disillusionment and disappointment.
But in this particular instance, I was referring to my childlessness … caused primarily by my singleness… though my doctor kept warning there were signs of trouble ahead, and if I wanted a family, I needed to start immediately.
I won’t recount all the thoughtless and often cruel, but well-meaning (?) things people at church said to me, from my late teens through my twenties and thirties. The ones who tried to be encouraging, the ones who asked nosy questions or made ridiculous suggestions, the ones who’d never had a real conversation with me, but thought they knew what “my problem” was.
Or all the trite clichéd Christian books that promised if I (pretended to) stop looking, wait patiently, fix all the things that were wrong with me, and find a place of perfect peace, contentment, and spiritual maturity, God would bring the perfect man to me.
Or the real grief, heartache, and loneliness I wrestled with — not for two or three years, like so many singles ministry leaders (before they got married — bless them). But for decades. Feeling rejected by God. Cast aside. Overlooked. Wondering why I was denied the blessings He gave so freely to just about everybody?
Hurt and frustrated that – because I didn’t have a husband or children – others seemed to see me as less of an adult, less of a woman.
Like that one church that uninvited me as their retreat speaker when they found out I was single, because I couldn’t possibly have anything to say to married women.
I wasn’t planning to speak on marriage. I was planning to speak on the things we all have in common: Disappointment, hurt, heartbreak, pain. Hopes deferred. Whatever those hopes may be. And what I’ve learned:
That the answer isn’t in a magical or Scriptural formula that will fix the problem or make the pain go away. God hasn’t promised anyone a husband (or a better husband) or a baby (or another baby). Or a more supportive family. Or a friend or a house or a job or a book contract or a ministry. Or physical health, wealth, weight loss, beauty, popularity, or anything we think will bring us happiness or fulfillment in this life.
And if we think everybody else has those things, sisters, we need to look again. MOST people on this planet don’t have a fraction of the blessings you and I take for granted every day.
As for those women who do have it all? I can tell you, after twenty-five years of women’s ministry, stepping off the platform to hold sobbing women in my arms, it’s almost never as good as it seems. Or they may have what you want or what I want, but it’s not THEIR unfulfilled dream…
Whatever IT is you think will make you happy, that thing you just can’t live without – if I may, I’d like to encourage you today: Let it go. Give it to Jesus… for real, not because someone told you that if you do, He’ll give it back to you. Or that He’ll give you something bigger and better in its place.
He might not.
Jesus doesn’t promise to give you what you want. He doesn’t promise you bigger and better. He promises you Himself.
It won’t always feel like it, but you WILL find that He is enough. More than enough. Worth every battle, every trial, every tear you have cried. When you get on the other side of this, the closeness and intimacy with Him, the depth of your relationship with Him… that’s the real gift.
I’m in my forties now and I won’t lie to you. There are moments when my childlessness still knocks me off my feet with a tidal wave of grief. But I’ve learned to tread water, to reach out for the support of my loving friends and family, and to count all the wonderful blessings of the very rich, full life and ministry God has given me.
And when I can come up for air and breathe again, I know that I wouldn’t trade knowing Jesus the way I do – which has come (in part) through that very heartache and suffering – for the life I once begged Him to give me.
Christin Ditchfield is an internationally syndicated radio host, conference speaker, and author of more than 66 books, including What Women Should Know About Letting It Go: Breaking Free From the Power of Guilt, Discouragement, and Defeat. She blogs at www.ChristinDitchfield.com
HI
It’s indeed a blessing and reminder of who Jesus is and what we should look for. And personally I’ve been going through the same emotions of wanting a family and still in learning to give it all to Jesus and let his way be my life instead of my own likes and preferences.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful message.
His bless you
The longer I live, the more I’m convinced that everything we go through — what He’s after is that relationship with us, getting our attention, getting us to look to Him, instead of being preoccupied with lesser things. If you think about trying to have a conversation with someone you desperately love, who’s buried in their smartphone, for instance… Only whatever our individual “smartphones” are — they end up being far more destructive to us. So He’s persistent… Blessings to you!
amen!!!!
I really needed to hear this more than I realized. Recently I took a break from social media becuase I was comparing my life to others and that was not helping my close relationships or relationship with God. I have been thinking a lot about that phrase “hope deferred makes the heart sick” and how this is so true. My prayer is that I can live and believe in such a way that Jesus is number one in my life consistently. I need to get back to my first Love.
Enjoyed Christian’s guest post!!
me 2!!!
What a great message. Having Jesus is priceless and all that material stuff is worthless compared our relationship with Jesus. We need to surrender everything to our Father. When bad things come our way, we must rejoice and know that God will get us through it. We just need to surrender everything to Him. I loved how authentic she was in sharing her painful past and how God provides hope for us.
I can relate to this post so much. I was single for most of my 20s and felt I was “less of a woman” because of it. Now that I’m married with one child, I’m asked several times when we’re going to have another child. You’re absolutely right when you said we’re not guaranteed marriage or children, or even a better marriage or well behaved children. God will bless us in His own way.
So true… and that’s the thing… it’s always something! Something else. Even when you get whatever it is you think you want or need. I’ve learned that in other areas of my life, like my writing and speaking ministry. It’s never enough to fill that need for approval or affirmation or significance or security or ______ . Only He is enough. We have to learn to find contentment and count our blessings!
This is a fantastic post. It’s very true! When we put ourselves in perspective of the rest of the world, we are very blessed. There is no magic formula to get what we want for ourselves. God’s plans are far greater than we could ever imagine.
God has a unique plan for each of us , we just have to let go : )
Love love this I am 61 years old and have been single my whole life – this is such an encouragement to me and I pray other singles will Let it go!
Truth. Thank you!
Good word, and something I can so relate to. People feel compassion towards the married women who can’t have children, but rarely consider the single women who grieve as the longing of their hearts go unfulfilled. God’s grace is sufficient. Amen.
Yes! Moment by moment, day by day…
as i enter the winter of my days i can say with great joy that JESUS IS MORE THAN ENOUGH. He gives me peace in a world gone mad and tells me to trust Him…and i do!!! He has shown me in my journey home, that just like a rollercoaster ride there will be ups and downs; there will be joy and sorrow. He is with me through it all and praise the Lord….that is enough
Christin
You always write with such depth, transparency, and hope. Your trials are real, and you have found Jesus real-er (if I may). He has been enough to meet your needs and to give you grace, strength, and fulfillment. I’m so sorry that you have experienced deep grief over childlessness…that this special dream has not been yours at this time in your life. I wish I understood why we have desires–good desires–that God does not grant. But I also appreciate that even in your pain, you have not turned from him or wanting to help others through their pain…and that you have realized that not everyone will share your dream (and yet, you don’t condemn them). I have a daughter and I am grateful beyond words for her, and yet I never wanted to be a mother. I had different dreams. Some childless women have been cruel to me about my “attitude.” But the thing is, that as we submit our hearts to the Dream-giver, He molds them to fit right into His, and as we become one with Him we know that no other dream could possibly be better than this oneness, this intimacy we experience in being loved and in loving Him. I don’t know what the future holds for either of us (and yes, sometimes God defers dreams and fulfills them later, and as you wisely suggest, which few Christians I know do, sometimes He doesn’t). And that is when our faith is crucial, and sustaining. We entrust our lives and hearts to the One who loves and knows us best, and yes, it is enough. It is more than enough. thank you for sharing (and for being there for me, personally). All my love,
Lynni
Thank you, sweet friend! I think when we’re in the throes of our agony — or we’ve surrendered (temporarily or permanently) to bitterness, we can be jealous or envious or hard-hearted toward those who have what we want, especially those we feel don’t “deserve” it. (For some women, expressing anger toward others is safer than admitting we’re really angry at God.) I won’t pretend I haven’t ever felt that way. But getting to really know other women — dear friends like you — whose journey has been different, seeing their hearts and their hurts, makes it harder to resent them. If only we could all walk a mile in each other’s shoes… So thankful for the grace and mercy of God and for the gift He’s given us in one another!
Well said, Christin, SO enjoy everything I read from this amazing woman….hoping to meet her in person one of these days!!
I am a dreamer with a constant moving imagination ! Due to this I am
often left with many unfulfilled expectations. As you described being hit with a tidal wave of grief, I kept finding myself emotionally and physically drained fighting one wave of disappoint after another. God stopped me on my tracks with many health problems which plunged me into a deep depression. I can’t say how many times He restored me that I returned to the same ocean lined with red flags warning of the undertow. I found he kept telling me it was a choice. Would I choose contentment, thanksgiving and joy with where I was, what I was doing , who I was or keep building sandcastles and watching the waves come crashing down on them. I am now 68 years old, most of the time I look around me and find peace, rest and contentment because I have found the ROCK to rest upon while the waters swirl all around. As you said the last 20 struggling years has drawn be into a deeper closer relationship with Jesus
Love this. Yet again I find myself facing this pain of singleness. I thought I had moved past it years ago. I’m 37 now and mostly ok, or so I tell myself, with being single. But as you said every now and then the grief overtakes me again and I wonder when I will ever truly forget those heart desires. Love, love, love how you direct back to Jesus as only He can handle all the emotions we have and He promises to be enough.
I am touched by this post. My dear friend has been breaking her heart to pieces being single in mid thirties. I just cried along with her, gave her a hug and said the Lord is still faithful.
Thank you and God Bless
I became acquainted with you though a beautiful picture with scripture which I found on the internet.
I was really blessed by what you shared about the relationship with Jesus as number one and is really all important just by itself. I was also blessed by the very mature comments from everyone else.
I had wanted to get married a number of times but each time the lady I was interested in did not want to marry me. Of course that is not the whole story. God is now using me in a way that I could not be used if I was married. Romans 8:28
Three Winners have been announced! Congratulations to… Deborah Jameson, Tonda, and Ann Geier!
Congrats, Deborah, Tonda, and Ann! And thank you, everyone, for your kind comments, and for sharing your stories and testimonies. You have so blessed my heart! I’m praying this week that God blesses and encourages and strengthens your hearts, too!
Deborah, I understand. My 30th birthday was my hardest because I was single and thought, I’ll never have a family. God called me to go to the Navajo, and I went. There at 37, I met this man who later became my husband. At 40 I birthed my one and only child. Now she’s 43 and decided for Jesus a week before Easter this year. With all my troubles, God has been so good to me. I loved the Navajo people and they loved me. My baby was our llittle door opener. After my husband journeyed to Heaven where he enjoys all its delights, God called me to write. Two books received publication, the last one this year. He helped me over many hurdles. and I still face some, but I cling to his promise, “I will never leave thee nor forsake thee” (Heb. 13:;5).
Amazing….
He who died for us in that old rugged cross only because of his unfathomable radical Grace, gives us strength to walk day by day.
I consider it as a great honor to have such a heavenly father, a best friend who i can always lean on when the future seems impossible 😀
Thank you. I needed to hear this today.