I wish I could tell you why I’ve chosen to sit down and write. Maybe it’s because I think it might help me feel better. Perhaps it’s because as much as I want to throw my hands in the air and tell God I’m done doing everything it is He wants me to do, I can’t. I don’t want to write, but it’s as if something on the inside burns until I get the words out. He won’t let me quit.
I also wish I could tell you I had some sort of plan for what I’m about to say. I don’t, so hold on tight. I’m not sure what’s even safe to convey at this point. My emotions have gone wild and for the first time in my life I have no interest in taking command of them. I feel entitled. Entitled to yell and scream and rant and rave and tantrum about how I don’t deserve to suffer what I’m suffering. However, truth is truth: Jesus didn’t say I wouldn’t suffer, He only said I wouldn’t suffer alone.
In the quiet spaces inside my head where no one can hear me, I use different terminology to explain my situation. For example:
Merry Christmas to me… I am motherless.
I don’t have a mother.
My mother died.
My mom is gone.
I feel like an orphan.
And the list goes on and on.
I feel as if I’m broken beyond repair. My brother died only five months ago, and now my mother. Three years ago, I lost my stepfather. My entire immediate family is gone. That old saying, “You can’t go home again”, well, I finally understand what it means.
But, does it matter?
You see, when I think I can’t go home again, I’m reminded that this world is not my home. (See Hebrews 13:14) When I become angry, telling myself I’m a good, God-fearing woman who does not deserve to suffer, I’m reminded how much Jesus, who lived a perfectly sinless life, suffered. Perspective matters.
Oh friend, I have no idea what God is doing in my life, but among all the tragedy I know it’s good. That sounds crazy to even say at this point, but THE God of the impossible seems to take us down illogical paths. Those pathways lead to wholeness. I know because I’ve been healed from other grief, and I’ve no doubt I’ll be healed of this. It won’t happen overnight, but it will happen.
My mother once told me that when she was a little girl, she would stand on the side of the bathtub to pray. As a young child, she reasoned that the higher up she was when she prayed, the closer she would be to God, and the better He could hear her. She had lots of stories like that. God pursued my mom from an early age. So much so, she was willing to climb to get to His throne.
If you’re dealing with any kind of crisis at all, please hear what I’m about to say.
God pursues ALL of us! My mother wasn’t an exception, I am not an exception. Each one of us was given a purpose to fulfill here. In the book of Acts, Luke writes about David…
“Now when David had served God’s purpose in his own generation, he fell asleep; he was buried with his ancestors and his body decayed…”
-Acts 13:14
When it comes to my mother, it’s very difficult for me to see how someone so young, with so many years ahead, could have possibly fulfilled her purpose already. However, I’m not God and I don’t know. I have to trust Him. One thing I do know: I’m still here, and I’m NOT done.
God is chasing me, at this very moment, at a rapid pace. I’ve never felt Him fighting for me the way I feel He’s fighting now. This means I cannot stop doing what He ordained me to do. Do you remember when Jeremiah was so tired of his tasks that he was ready to quit? He quickly had a revelation.
“But if I say, “I will not mention His Word or speak anymore in His name,” His word is in my heart like a fire, a fire shut up in my bones. I am weary of holding it in; indeed, I cannot.”
-Jeremiah 20:9
I’m surrounded in tragedy, and yet, I can feel the fire of God in my bones. My emotions might be running wild but God is reining and ruling and reviving the truth in me. That truth will set me free from what I feel and knit me close to what I know. He is alive and active in my healing.
He’s chasing you, too. He’s alive and active in your healing, too.
As we celebrate Christmas, I think it’s important for all of us who are grieving to refocus our hearts and minds. Christmas is not about who is missing, it’s about who has come: Jesus.
As much as my mother loved me, and she loved me with the best kind of love, she did not hold the power to save me. Christ, the One who came, saved my soul and made me free.
“For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, who is Christ the Lord.”
-Luke 2:12
This Christmas, may you be conscious of the wild pursuit over your life. There is a chase in progress made to fan the flame within you, setting you free to live purpose in a way only you can.
Love,
Jennifer
Hi Jennifer. Reading your blog has really come at a good time. You may remember my wife Starese who was in contact with you and an active follower of your blog. She very suddenly went to be with Jesus earlier. The absolute faith and promises we held onto regarding her healing and the subsequent dissapointment and disillusionment which has followed since her death has left me asking many questions. Most importantly during a time of extreme hurt and pain is to just cling onto him. Whatever that looks like to you, just cling on. I am sorry to hear of the pain you have had to endure in losing loved ones but you are right…this is most certainly not our home and yet while we wait to be reunited with our loved ones in perfection, we have purpose to continue this journey with hope and expectation.
I trust that you and your family have a lovely Christmas.
Greg and Micaela
Dear Greg,
I cannot tell you how saddened I am to hear of the passing of Starese. I’ve thought about her a lot recently. She was so overwhelmed with joy when she had the baby. You were very loved by her, but I know you know that. I know this is a difficult year for you, and I pray you find peace through knowing she is celebrating with Jesus. You’ll be reminded of her love every day when you look into the eyes of your baby. Thank you so much for letting me know. I’m praying for you. May your faith be bigger than your grief and fear. You are loved by the living God.
Love,
Jennifer
Thank you Jennifer.
I will continue to follow your blog and just keep doing what you’re doing. Your blogs are real, authentic and relatable and greatly used by God. ..thank you and all the very best for a fruitful 2018
Jennifer, thank you for your obedience. I needed to read this. I was feeling sorry for myself because I was alone in the middle of all the hustle and bustle of Christmas. My parents are dead. My three only siblings are dead. My children and grandchildren live very very far away and I cannot be with them this Christmas or the past Christmases. I will be stuck spending Christmas with my husband’s family. So I want to thank you because I needed to be
reminded that’s the reason I’m still on this Earth is because I have a purpose even though I have begged God to take me home. Through the suffering we share we can help others that’s biblical and you’ve helped me. Thank you
Char, I’m so glad you are reminded of your purpose, because you absolutely have one. I’m so sorry for your losses and will pray God’s peace over you this holiday season and New Year. Be blessed, friend, thank you for reaching out to me!
Tears roll off my cheeks as I read this. Thank you for being so honest and open Jen. You are truly a beautiful and gracious woman of God. My family and I will be praying for you and your family.
Thank you, Marlene, I truly appreciate it. I hope your Christmas is wonderful!
i remember when my mother died and six months later my dad; i said those same words: “i’m an orphan.
losing my sister one week after my birthday knocked me to my knees and into a hurricane of emotions that i may never understand. now instead of a hurricane i have an emptiness that only Christ is able to fill. As I read your words I thought about what Jesus said: “Of those who have much; much will be expected.” Maybe not exactly right but I think you understand. Sometimes it feels like too much expected and no time for us. God has us and He will use everything for our good. I may not get the words exactly right; but I know our Savior and He has plans for us for good. You are in my prayers and in my prayer book. I will pray for you every day and maybe you can mention me in yours once in awhile. I trust God to bring us through………in His time and in His way
Thank you, Margie. I pray for you often. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas, and that the peace of God will rule and reign in your heart.
Oh Jennifer, my heart goes out to you dear sister. May the God of all comfort continue to be your source of comfort and strength now and always. Much love to you.
Thank you so much, Kate. ❤️
Thank you for sharing your gut-honest, hope-determined words tgat are rising from the ash heap of your grief. May the Lord our Rock hold you tightly.
Thank you, Deb.