I realize this post might be controversial to many. Believe me, it’s not one I ever thought I would write. I’m prepared for social media unfollowers as well as an onslaught of unsubscribers on my blog. I’m okay with that. I write my heart.
Most of you know, but just in case you don’t, I’m living wide awake through the nightmare of loss. First my stepfather, who died suddenly three years ago, then my brother, suddenly, eight months ago, followed by my mother, just three months ago. The old saying is true; I really can’t go home again. The people who lived there are gone.
I’ve been serving Jesus most of my life. He’s walked with me through miscarriage, stillbirth, infertility, and every other battle that’s come my way. I’ve always bounced back, until now.
These past three months in particular, I’ve smiled for pictures with friends, woke up with my kids in the morning, picked them up from the bus stop after school, fed them, helped with homework, and got them ready for bed at night. But nobody could see the in between time. After my family walked out the door, I went back to bed. After evening homework, I would sit in my chair with a cup of coffee staring into space. The skin on my face was constantly irritated from the salt of my tears, and my heart quit beating in rhythm. Literally.
I trusted Jesus, pushed onward, opened up my Bible and fought, but I continued to lose ground. Anger came next and that is always ugly. I looked in the mirror and saw my aging eyes and could not recognize whose they were. I didn’t feel like myself, and eventually, I couldn’t remember who I once was.
My faith in God never wavered. I had hope, but peace and joy were lacking. I’m a firm believer at the moment of salvation, God gives us every gift we will ever need to make it through this frightening world. Those gifts include peace and joy, but tapping into them takes effort. It usually necessitates a fair amount of battle to reap those rewards. My spiritual “tools” didn’t seem to be working. I was trying to connect the “pipeline” that would cause the flow of peace and joy and ultimately free my soul, but nothing was happening. And then Friday came.
It was a Friday morning, and I had an appointment close to my mother’s house. After I was finished, I told my husband we should stop by and check on things. I hadn’t been inside since the day she died. My mother passed unexpectedly, so everything from that day remained untouched. When I walked through the front door, my eyes glanced down to the left focusing on her tennis shoes and pink slippers. I walked into the dining room and saw a pack of military paperwork she was filling out in an effort to settle my brother’s burial expenses. I made my way to her bedroom where her heating pad was still on the bed next to where she slept, the blankets rolled back waiting for her to return. I crumbled.
I cried, and screamed, and moaned. I didn’t even recognize my voice, it didn’t sound familiar, yet I knew it was me. Hysteria rose to the surface confessing fear, torment, and grief like I’d never experienced before. My husband stood next to me, apologizing over-and-over again, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” He shares my heart, but I could find no comfort. Once again, I came home and went to bed.
Later that afternoon I had an appointment with my doctor to discuss the rhythm of my out of sync heart. She walked through the door, took one good look at me and asked, “What’s going on?”
Now, before I continue with what happened next, let me tell you that I’m not a fragile person, I do not make a habit of crying in front of anyone, and I don’t like being vulnerable. Actually, I hate it. I’m not saying that’s a good thing, I’m just telling you like it is.
After my doctor asked that first question, the floodgates opened all over again. I could barely breathe, let alone speak. I told her everything while expressing these words: “I’m a person of faith who is supposed to be living in the light of a Savior, and yet here I am standing in darkness. It won’t relent; I can’t take it anymore.” She told me I didn’t look the same; there was no joy, no evidence of peace, no zest for life. And then she said words I thought I would never hear regarding my own life, “Let’s talk about medication. I’m worried about you.”
It’s my guess that only half a second passed between her suggestion and my response, but in that time a million thoughts raced through my head. They sounded something like this: I’m a faith writer, I tell people about Jesus, I’m an example for Christ, I can’t be weak, this isn’t okay, I’ll be nothing but a hypocrite, etc.…
You can only imagine how stunned I was when I heard the following response pop out of my mouth – in the midst of every negative thought I responded, “I’ll try anything that makes me feel better.” I meant it.
In that moment, I learned something about myself. And, in the subsequent days, I learned something about God. I can still surprise myself. As I age, I change. As I change, I learn more about life than I ever wanted to know. And, with this new education comes new ways of looking at who I am and what God expects from me. Could God just take the dark cloud away and help me run this race without a physician’s care, absolutely. Does it always work that way? Absolutely not. Is it okay that it doesn’t always work that way? You better believe it is!
Why is it that when Christians require medical intervention for depression we feel like we’ve failed? We haven’t. One week after beginning my new medication, I had a terrible anxiety attack. All I could think about was how weak of a person I must be to have to take this route to healing. I pictured myself writing every blog post I’d ever written and saw the word hypocrite above me in flashing lights. My heart continued to beat out of rhythm, requiring heart tests that came back as a diagnosis of nothing more than anxiety. I labeled myself crazy, and it sent me into further panic. In my lifetime, I’ve heard pastors and other Christians preach against medications for depression. I never bought into that for anyone else, I know if God used a donkey He can use anything at all for the betterment of His people, but when it was my turn I couldn’t shake those Christian opinions. Or should I say judgment? I told my best friend I was done with popping a pill every day and could fight this war without it. She talked me off the ledge convincing me to stay on track.
For every Christian who has ever taken medication for depression, either past or present, every morning when I open my bottle to take my dose, I think of you. I understand. And, hey, maybe that’s part of this journey for us. Maybe God is saying, “Go ahead, use your pain to reach more people. Do not waste one tear.” I’m okay with that. I’ll tell you why…
I feel joy again. Yes, I still cry for my mother and brother on a regular basis, but not because I feel like it’s the end of the world. I cry because I’m human and I miss them. I still hurt and wonder how this is all going to work itself out for me, but in the reemergence of sunlight, I’ve started to see more than ever that God’s in complete control of this, and He’s going to handle all of it. I just need to keep trusting, and taking medication in no way means I’ve stopped trusting in my God.
My husband came home from work one day last week and found me cooking a big meal for my family, not because I had to, but because I wanted to. He took me in his arms and said, “You’re back, Jenny.”
Friends, Jesus can use anything to bring you back and put your purpose to work. Even medication!
I’m not saying it is right for everyone. You need to see a doctor, answer the questions, and take proper steps to healing. What I am saying is Christians shouldn’t fear and let sermons from people who know nothing about darkness from chemical imbalance dictate proper steps to recovery.
- You are NOT weak!
- You are NOT a hypocrite!
- You are NOT any less of a Christian because you need medication!
My depression is situational, and I’m hoping to only have to take medication for six months. However, if it’s longer; it’s longer. A lot of prayer has gone into this, and I know the Lord will continue to direct my steps. When you seek Him, He will direct yours as well.
If this is something you’re struggling with, remove all those other voices from your head, seek God, and do what is best for your life according to His guidance.
“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths.”
-Proverbs 3:5-6
My name is Jennifer Kostick, I’m a woman of God, a faith writer, and I’m struggling with situational depression. I’m taking Wellbutrin. Jesus is okay with that, and so am I.
Love,
Jennifer, this is brave and transparent and beautiful. May it encourage and bless many. I also pray God uses your story to help many find that Jesus sometimes uses meds to bring healing. Blessings!
Thank you so much, Joanne!
Jennifer, Thank you so very much for sharing. Yes, there is a stigma, I’ve walked thru it and heard all the well-meaning speeches that made me feel like crap and a nobody. Good job!! I honestly pray for you every morning and I will continue to do so. Love you lady!! Susie
Thank you, Susie! ❤️❤️❤️
Jennifer, I know some Christians think you can’t take medication for depression and that is their right to believe that way, but I believe God gives us common sense to use whatever we can to be at our best for him. I was in a deep depression when my father passed away and I have to say I was mad at God, not that he took him but for the way it happened. I never had to go on anti-anxiety medicine but if it had been made available to me, I would have gladly taken it to dig myself out of the deep dark hole I was in. Thank God my husband was my rock and he finally made me see that we don’t understand God’s ways and what good can come from bad things. So i was finally able to climb out and begin to live again. I myself, don’t believe there is anything wrong with taking medicine for depression. God gave us other medicines to help when we are sick and being depressed like I was to me was an illness. So thank you for sharing your story. I think it was honest and well written. Too many Christians try to hide that they aren’t perfect or suffer and that is why, I think, some people look at Christians as being hypocrites. God bless you and again thank you for sharing.
Thank you, Betty. I appreciate you sharing your heart with me!
God is in control and He knows your heart. i believe that if Christians were not meant to take medication then God wouldn’t let them be taken. losing my sister 11 months ago, my husband 2 months ago and my brother-in-law last month i thought God had forgotten me. i kept saying You promised You wouldn’t give me more than We can handle; so when is enough enough?! i’m learning Mrs. Jennifer that God doesn’t answer everyone the same way. you are His daughter and it is between you and Him to bring you through this. you, as always, are in my prayers. i have found that my medication through this is your writings with all the harsh realities and emotions mixed together. please keep writing; God will give you the words as He always has
Thank you, Margie. You’re a blessing!
Thank you for sharing from your raw, gritty place. Glad you are fighting this battle with all the tools available to you! No shame!
Thanks, Deb! ❤️
I too suffer from severe depression and take medication. I, also love my God above all else. There’s never been a minute that I have felt weak or guilty because I need to take medication. When I’m not on my meds, I can’t get out of bed or suffer from extreme anxiety. There are things that I’ve done in my past that I have had difficulty dealing with that contribute to my depression. God has forgiven me of my sins I know this, I just still have trouble forgiving myself. It’s all a process I know I’m working through. Forgiveness for my sins completely outweighs any guilt compared to taking medication. I, also, feel so many people that criticize anti-depressants have never been in a position where they needed them. And those that have made it through without medication, that’s wonderful. However, God made us all unique. I admire you for telling your story. I would never stop reading or following you because you voiced your opinion. May God bless you and I hope you continue to see benefits with your meds.
Thank you for sharing part of your story, Beth! I appreciate your honesty and kindness towards how I feel about this subject. I appreciate you!
This was such a blessing for me to read. You hsve no idea the depths that you reached in me eith this blog. Thank you for sharing. Many hugs and love to you Jenny! You are not alone in the fight.
Thank you, Peggy! Much love to you, friend! ❤️❤️❤️
Love this Jennifer! So real and this kind of honesty is what really draws people to Christ. This is the reality of the fallen world we live in, the price of loving so deeply and then losing someone! I know Starese is giving you a big stamp of approval 🙂
Thank you
Greg
Thank you, Greg! That means so much. ❤️
Jennifer,
You are an example of walking out bravery and hope and faith by being honest and truthful. He’s not done with us sister!!!!(Phil1:6) Yet He is faithful, always, and fulfills the calling He places in you.1 Thes5:23-24
The church needs to do better on this issue. We need to love each other in our brokenness and let the world see people doing what Jesus did.
And dear one, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart grieves with you. May the love of God lift you in every moment and carry you through.
Thank you for writing your heart. May someone find the freedom being offered here.
Bless you.?
Thank you, Dawn! ❤️
Jennifer, thank you for boldly speaking out about such a personal yet world wide problem. I’m very sorry for the losses you’ve had in your family. I applaud you for accepting the help you needed for the time you need it. I applaud you for being vulnerable and transparent. I’ve walked this same journey and it’s been a battle. When it’s all said and done, the Lord loves you, the Lord loves us through these moments. He doesn’t cast condemnation upon us, He loves us. He walks with us. He comforts us. He protects us.
I love that you bravely shared your heart. You write beautifully and I’m so glad the Lord Lord me to read this today. In our time of need He provides. He uses our pain to bless others. He uses our circumstances to bring hope to others. I’m deeply touched by what you’ve shared. I love that you stepped out and wrote the words that so many need to hear. Your journey will bring blessings to others. Your words will soothe others broken hearts. Your experience will glorify the Lord. Amen and amen. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers Jennifer. What a gift and blessing this was.
Thank you, Susan! I’m so thankful you were blessed by this post. And, I’m even more thankful for your willingness to keep me in your prayers. You’ve blessed me today. ❤️
Jennifer I admire your willingness to unflinchingly be honest. I’ll be honest, I work in Christian ministry but had no idea that Christians had issues with medication. I am a survivor of PTSD symptoms that debilitated me for a year and that is even with medication. I cannot imagine how I would have taken care of my son had I not received what I needed to literally keep me conscious.
God helps us in many ways. I am glad you are offering that encouragement to others.
Thank you for sharing your life. I know that the Lord will continue to go before you. I pray for you and your family.
Thank you for sharing, Kelly! I believe that we are doing better as a church where this is concerned, but I think we can step up even more. I’m 45, as a younger person, certain teachings equated taking meditation for depression as a lack of faith in God. Some of us who heard those sermons still fight nonsensical shame associated with that. I’m so glad you received the help you needed and are doing well! Praise Jesus!
Thank you friend. I’ve not experienced the depth of loss that you have, but I’ve been on medication for depression before. And with these past few “kicks in the gut” I may be headed down that road again. I am thankful you are getting help. Hugs!
Thank you, Barbie. I’m praying for you. God is faithful.
Thank you for sharing your story. Please know that you are not alone. About twenty years ago,my husband who was bi-polar, refused to take his medication because he didn’t believe christians needed to depend on medicine. His choice led to the break up of our twenty-six year marriage. I was forced to leave my home with just the clothes on my back, because he became violent. My mother had been dead less than a year when this happened. My children and I had to move in with my sister’s family because I could not afford a place of my own. I felt like I was falling into a deep, dark pit. I knew if I didn’t get help, I would be in trouble.
I, like you was willing to do whatever I had to in order to feel better. I thank God that He provided
a way to help me to move through a very painful season. I will keep you and your family in prayer.
Thank you for sharing your story, Patricia. I can’t imagine how hard your situation must have been. God does provide, and I’m thankful you are doing well now. ❤️
I just want to wrap my arms around you,give you an enormous hug, and say, “me too!” I get it. I get every word you wrote. I understand it all because I have been there. I have tried to struggle on my own. I have felt the shame of needing to ask for pills and needing them for the rest of my life. I have struggled to the point of needing higher doses and finally needing another medication. I worried every day during my pregnancies that the pills would hurt the babies. I heard the sermons casting shame on Christians for even being depressed, much mess needing meds. I was the strong Christian, and I was probably the last person anyone would ever think needed medication. I am a faith writer, too, and you know what? It’s okay. It’s o-kay. Thank you so much for writing this. I sooo wish I had had the opportunity to read this back when I first needed meds. Thank you.
Laurie
Hi Laurie. Thank you for sharing this with me. I’m so glad you are doing well and pressed on in the midst of difficulty! May you continue to bless people with your story! ❤️
My husband and I have talked about this several times before; it’s amazing that people accept treatments and medications for all kinds of illnesses, diseases, or disorders. But chemical imbalances are seen as a personal problem that you should just pray through.
Thank you for this beautiful testimony. I’m really glad I found your post on the #CoffeeforyourHeartlinkup.
It’s so true! Thank you for reading. ❤️
What a beautiful post full of so many truths. I struggle with depressive feelings and have throughout my life, yet I do so in silence. I had a pastor tell me I was not “right with God” and that was why I suffered from depression. He told me this while he was visiting me in a psychiatric hospital where I was being treated for depression & suicidal ideations. I had a physician tell me in the ER that I needed to “straighten up”. I had an interview with a friend of his the next day and he thought I was irresponsible. The interview was cancelled by me and I later went by the office and told them I had been in the hospital with an allergic reaction to meds. The man looked at me & told me he knew the truth, so my ER doc broke my confidence. My own hubby gets frustrated and doesn’t understand why I can’t just “get over it”. Depression is evil and people do NOT understand. I have struggled on & off since 1985. I am too scared to seek help for fear of judgement. I don’t want to see my kids looks of disappointment. I am so glad you are getting the help you need and I am so very sorry for your losses.
Charlie,
I’m so very sorry for everything you’ve been through. I hope and pray you find peace within your struggle. Jesus is good and faithful to meet every need. I’m praying you see His handiwork in every space of your life now and forever.
Hi Jennifer,
Thank you so much for sharing this. I totally can relate you about the grief process. Ironically, I lost my brother five years ago to suicide and then two years ago I lost my stepfather (the only father/the right kind of father a girl could have) I named him Poppy when he married my Mom. Poppy taught me so much through the years. He instilled confidence in me. He loved me as if I were his own. When He passed my whole world was crushed. I live in NC and my family lives in Florida. We tried to get to the hospital before he went to be with the Lord and we missed it by one hour. I wanted to be holding his hand when he stepped into eternity. That caused unfathomable pain and guilt. I couldn’t even understand my grief. I am a Christian and have been since I was twelve years old. Most of my life, I have been in ministry so I felt, even to my family that I lived in a glass house. My Mom requested that my daughter and I sing several songs at his funeral. It was one of the hardest thing I have ever done…I had to take myself out of the situation and just keep my eyes on the Lord.
After I returned home, I did try to make it without medication, but with endless night of no sleep and locking myself away in my home and not being able to leave for nearly a year, I went for help. In the beginning, I was very private about taking medications because of shame.
We in ministry tend to condemn ourselves for being human, for reacting to things and feeling we don’t understand. I never thought I would react the way I did. Someone once told me…even Jesus cried when Lazarus died, though He did raise him from the dead.
After saying all of this, I again want to convey how much I appreciate you being transparency and encouragement in your article. I am sorry for your losses as well. I will be praying for you and your family.
Gigi
Gigi,
Thank you so much for sharing this! I’m thankful for your words of wisdom. And, I’m happy you found help without condemnation. ❤️
Jennifer,
I take medication too! I have fought all the people opinions of Christians saying it is wrong. I also have a chemical imbalance. I have been on medication for about 10 years. I do not feel right without it because I have severe anxiety and panic attacks without it. I am thankful for God leading me to a Christian doctor that helped me. God bless you for speaking out!
Thank you!
Cynthia Williams
Thank you, Cindy. I’m so glad you’re doing well.
Jennifer,
What a blessing you are! I am glad you are ok with it. God loves us and gives us a way, always. I can relate and am praying for you.
Thank you, Peggy.