Sixteen days…

I’ve not really spoken much about infertility since before the holidays.  I’m certain there are several of you wondering why.  I know for a fact the reason some of you are even choosing to read my daily rants at all is because you want to know the rest of my story.

Miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility are difficult subject matters.  When I was standing in the midst of that scary storm, I didn’t always want to deal with exactly how it was upsetting my life.  It doesn’t take much to conjure up those distant memories as if they all happened yesterday.  I remember trying to survive Christmases while doing math in my head to find out just how old the babies I lost would have been or how many months pregnant I should have been.  What were supposed to be joyful and hope-filled days celebrating the birth of Christ often left me feeling confused and depressed.  It seemed joy radiated from everyone but me.  I could not even remember the sound of my own laughter.  Because I know holidays to be complicated for those battling these issues, I decided to lighten things up over Christmas.

For those of you reading who are dealing with stillbirth, miscarriage, and infertility right now, I hope you were able to let go and relax a bit over the Christmas season.  I hope you were thankful for all God has blessed you with thus far, and I hope you’re holding on to new hope for the promise of all that is to come.  I want you to fight and stand strong while holding onto God’s will for your life.  As I’m typing right now, I feel it important to convey that the words I’m putting down are not meant to simply sooth you or pity you in some way.  I’ve been through this war.  I know what it is to hurt.  I know how it feels to have everyone say the “right words” when nothing at all being said contributes to subsiding the grief within.

I’m not sure who it is that needs to hear this today, but I know the Lord is prompting me to say the following words to someone.  God hears you!  God loves you!  God has not forgotten you!  Don’t spend one more day questioning Him.  Use your energy to seek His face and His will for your life in 2013.  Seek His will with trust, NOT trepidation. You are not alone.  Allow peace to fill you.  Don’t hold onto bitterness; it will only hold you back.

Psalm 84:11-12

For the Lord God is a sun and shield; the Lord will give grace and glory; no good thing will He withhold from those who walk uprightly.  O Lord of hosts, blessed is the man who trusts in You!  (N.K.J.V.)

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